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Tendersacrifice
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Name: Siece
Country: United States
State: Missouri
Metro: Springfield
Gender: Female
Interests: Singing, writing, reading, playing piano, violin and guitar, studying and playing around. Still totally focused on God! Though, I might take up a secondary cause one of these days.
Expertise: The only thing I can claim to be good at it the one thing God told me He gave me, His love. I love people. No matter what they do, say and or how they treat me to my face and behind my back, I love them. No questions asked, here I am.
In Love Alone, ~Siece~
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  AmanteBrillante
Yahoo:  AmanteBrillante
Member Since:
12/14/2003
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| First I was replaced by a move across town to a new home where my things were put in the garage and a few in "my" new room.
Then I was replaced by moving all of my things to the garage and redoing my room completely even painting over my walls where my Seuss mural would have been. Even my bed was dis-placed from the "Guest Room" filled with a Queen sized bed and momentos from all the family travels. Now when I "visit" I sleep in my theater room (literally a theater in my house*) on my old bed which now serves as a couch like border to the screen.
Still later, I was replaced by my younger friends and my mom's good friends daughter from here in MO. They shop together and have spa days. They bond and talk.
Finally I was replaced by 2 new children. Only I didn't get 9mths to get used to the idea...it happened over night. Now there are baby first conversations and "don't call after...because the babies will be sleeping." Shopping for diapers and juice and food for a home where I have no place. But hey, I never really fit in anywhere, so why in my own home?
I didn't fit at my old school because of personal and professional conflicts.
I didn't fit in Bigala, well I guess for the same reason.
I don't know why people hate me, but I guess when there are this many things going wrong...why not add hate to the mix?
I have a type of brain tumor...this makes my life hellish quite often. I take meds that sometimes make me seem "doped up."
I can't even drive on my own any more because I may forget where I'm going. Though temporary, this can be a fatal flaw.
I spend most of my time catching up on the work that I miss because my meds make me sleep too long, or my tumor causes yet another migrane so bad I can't move.
I struggle to enjoy the time I have awake...but I guess it's getting really hard.
I had a friend once tell me that if I ever needed to talk about these things, they were there for me because they understand how bad it can be...then they started being an a**hole to me because well, it was bad politics not to.
I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, but I can't seem to be heard. There are wonderful supportive people in my life and I love them. My family can be wonderful in fact. And ofcourse I have an amazing Love who takes amazing care of me. I guess I just miss who I was...what I was...when I was.
They say with serious illnesses it's not uncommon to become depressed or feel somewhat hopeless. Maybe today's just one of those days.
Tomorrow will be better...
I wish it would rain more, rain always seems to calm and soothe me. It also relieves some of the pressure in my skull.
*XOXOX*
For Those Who Know,
~S~ | | |
| - BreatheHave you ever had one of those friends that you love so much, but have WAY too much invested in? I'm feeling pretty bogged down in this avenue right now.
On another pretty related note...
My cat had a kitten on Sunday. We named it Sam because it's like impossible to tell if it's male or female that young. Sam was dead by the time I got there. I thought maybe if I just got Sam warm...but no. Sam never got warm, and Sam never stirred again. I took my Mama Cat to the vet to make sure there weren't any more kittens inside. He gave her an ultra sound, but no, there were no other kittens. Sam was an only child, like me. CW helped me get Sam home and PR, CW, and I burried Sam in the ground. In true Jew tradition, we put rocks on the grave. PR said Kaddish, and I prayed in Latin. I lit a candle and gave Sam a proper burrial for both our traditions. We all poured the dirt over Sam. PR and I are going to plant flowers there later this spring, the kind that come back every year. I don't know if they are more for Sam or for us.
May You Rest In Peace Sweet Sam.
~S~
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| The Maid at my love's house is finally GONE! She was let go this weekend. I am so happy, I haven't words to express it. OMGosh! I despised her. And now house is ours! I am so tired of fighting with her over and over. I am so relieved that this trial is now over and we can be happy! *Dances*
All Love,
~S~ | | |
| Because of You
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe sife
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am affraid
I love my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
(Chorus)
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe sife
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Becauseof you
I am affraid
Becauseof you
Becauseof you
--Kelly Clarkson
I am so touched by this song...so inspired. ~S~ | | |
| Hey there world,
Man things have been crazy the last couple weeks. I'm working on becomming friends with a girl I met at MV. She's really nice. I have learned a lot about her in a fairly short period of time and that is really exciting to me because I love getting to know new people. I just hope that she is as real with me as I am with everyone. It's hard to gague new relationships that way. She seems very open and honest, and you all know how important that is to me.
I got an e-mail from one of my professors today in which he commented that both he and his TA have noticed that my work really stands apart from the rest. That touched me deeply because he is my Religion professor this semester, and as many times as professors tell me that my work is good or whatever, it means SO much more when it comes from a religion professor because that's my major and they have the most sway in my grad studies and scholarship oppertunities etc.
The other e-mail I recieved was from the professor with whom I am friends, and he is dissappointed in me. Not for my quality of work or anything like that, but because my attendance is down. I explained the situation with my Aunt and how that has effected me, but it hurt to hear him say that, especially since he is my friend. I don't think he will feel dissappointed in me once he reads my reply, but still.
Marie and I are having roomate issues. I'm really frustrated, and she is too I think. I hope we can work them out, because we have too much tied in together in the apartment to move for a while. Mom says that if it gets bad then I can move back into the dorms at semester, but it will cost extra, more than I have. It's not the best situation either way, I don't want to depend on them to pay for parts of school, but I also don't want to live in an unhealthy situation. I'm giving it untill registration at the end of the semester, and we'll see how things are by then.
Love to all,
~Siece~ | | |
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